I’ve been walking through life surviving by my own efforts.
All the long days, late nights, sacrifices of the regular comforts in my life…yet I am constantly being told to give the credit to him.
12 years old raising my little brothers and sisters, no time of my own, shared our clothes, rationed our food, fought with the rats in the kitchen and huddled together for heat in the winter, the best memories of my life…give the credit to him.
Early 4am mornings since the age of 14, two hour bus rides to school, two and a half hour bus rides home, feeling alone, lonely thoughts, damn I must have been a monster in my previous life, this can’t be life …give the credit to him.
Late night licks for a couple dollars, quarter bag weed sales graduated to crack sales. Drugs is the norm gotta fight the temptation of a quick dollar to have a little room to breathe in this life…give the credit to him.
Sacrifices of my personal desires, stressful tears, can’t go on the school trips, only got five pairs of pants and about six shirts still sharing them. This is while in high school fam, do you hear me!? I’m so self-conscious, don’t want to be an outcast, don’t want the other kids to laugh…give the credit to him.
I became the Ghost. Crime or legit, don’t matter, lets do both I gotta get it. Fuck a bitch, don’t love’em, hit it, quit it, push it out the way she’s clouding my vision…
So I……..still……give the credit to him?
NO that was your choice. Where’s your heart?
I don’t know, I lost it, I’m not sure, I can’t really remember the last time I felt it.
My brothers are dead and in jail. My sisters are pregnant with babies, no daddies, my mom’s still hiding under that bottle, drowning in her sorrow. Blaming herself for not giving her kids a tomorrow…
Do I……still……give the credit to him?
Burnt nerve endings, showing emotions takes a lot of effort,
My heart is a rusted ball bearing no longer spinning so to give love takes an even greater effort…give the credit to him.
People from the outside looking in think I’m winning. You’ve got an education, a good job, a successful business, beautiful daughter, a wonderful woman….give glory to him that’s what they tell me.
Yet in my soul there’s a mental whirlwind, an emotional torrent of questions and confusion. Why has my life been so hard, every measure of success preceded by a seemingly unreasonable amount of tribulation and pain. That is the foundation of my questions and confusion.